A Wumman's a Wumman
A job as weel for a' that,
A skivvie a' her wedded life
Wha else wid e'er dae a' that?
For a' that an' a' that,
She loves him still for a' that,
She surely must be aff her heid
For puttin up wi' a' that.
Noo drivin' trains an' flyin' planes,
E'en Prime Minister an' a' that,
An' still wi' time to mind the weans,
A wumman's a wumman for a' that.
For a' that an' a' that,
Her varicose veins an' a' that,
No man could surely stand the pace
O' being a wumman an' a' that.
For men are sure a helpless band,
They're just big bairns, for a' that,
Without a wumman to haud their hand.
They'd soon fair starve, an' a' that,
For a' that, an' a' that.
She suffers the gowk for a' that,
Wha else could put up wi' a man,
His gallus ways an' a' that.
Hoosework's meant for two tae share,
The washin' up an a' that,
But the eejit just gets in her hair
An' roond her feet an' a' that.
For a' that an' a' that
She's nae time tae spare for a' that,
So he goes boozin' wi his pals
While she gets oan wi' a' that.
But when he rolls in fae the pub
Muckle fu' an' a' that,
An' then demands a plate o' grub,
She'll clip his ear for a' that.
For a' that an' a' that,
He'll sleep wi' the dug for a' that,
The wumman micht weel be a saint,
But she'll no put up wi' a' that.
So suffer a' her finger wags,
Her sharpened tongue an' a' that,
An' jist ignore the way she nags,
God knows that she's worth a' that.
For a' that an' a' that,
Her screechin' nark an' a' that,
A wumman fair o' face an' heart
Should treasured be for a' that.
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Ode to a Fert
Lurks in yer bellie efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushie peas
Stert working like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin a' ower the place.
Nae metter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae goad it disna reek.
But aw yer efforts gae asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty Me, a sonic boom!
Goad amichty it fairly reeks
Hope a hivnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I best tae scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry.
A'body roon about me choking
Wan or twa are nearly boakin
Ah'l feel better for a whilie
Cannae help but raise a smilie.
Wis it him? I shout wie a glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger, they shout and stare
A' dinnae feel welcome, only mair.
Wherever ye gang let yer wind gang free
Sounds jist like the joab fer me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's pairty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty
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