With Apologies to Rabbie

Ode to a Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer bellie efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushie peas
Stert working like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin a' ower the place.

Nae metter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae goad it disna reek.

But aw yer efforts gae asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty Me, a sonic boom!

Goad amichty it fairly reeks
Hope a hivnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I best tae scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry.

A'body roon about me choking
Wan or twa are nearly boakin
Ah'l feel better for a whilie
Cannae help but raise a smilie.

Wis it him? I shout wie a glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger, they shout and stare
A' dinnae feel welcome, only mair.

Wherever ye gang let yer wind gang free
Sounds jist like the joab fer me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's pairty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty