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- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking
about.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to
the stupidity of your act.
- The most common cause of hearing loss amongst men is a wife
saying she wants to talk to him.
- Theorem of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone invariably rings.
- The things that come to those who wait will be the things left
by those who got there first.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look
bright until you hear them speak.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- When you dial a wrong telephone number, you never get an
engaged/busy line.
- When women see the first strand of grey hair they think they
are going to dye....
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last and during a critical time in the show.
- Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- The "Law of Close Encounters" - The probability of meeting
someone you know increases by 100% when you are with someone you don't want to
be seen with.
- All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards
that causes all the problems .
- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down
on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of
the carpet/rug.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere.
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it
will avoid you.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
mistake when you make it again.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.
- In slow moving traffic, if you move to another lane because it
is moving faster, it always slows down and the lane you were in speeds up.
- Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
- and the other person is a husband.
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
- Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very
often.
- Someone who thinks logically makes a nice contrast to the real
world.
- You know when you're getting old when you wake up with that
morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The only way to keep healthy is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
- he nicest thing about the future is that it always starts
tomorrow.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep
water.
- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
- Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticised them, you're a mile away - and you have
their shoes...
- After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint, you are probably dead.
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Taken from
www.rampantscotland.co.uk |
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